Your Problems Solved!

Here are just a few of the countless genuine problems we’ve managed to solve permanently over the last few months. As you can see, no issue is too great or too small for our team of highly-unoverqualified ill!™ advisers.
If you, too, think you could benefit from some ill!™ advice, click here to take advantage of our sensational seasonal special offer, only available while stocks last.*

Having just negotiated a release from my job after 15 years of service, what should I do next?!?
A change in direction is definitely called for in this case. If you decide to stay in the UK, committing murder will almost certainly provide you with an opportunity to serve a further 15 years in another structured institutional environment before you’re eligible to negotiate another release.

How do I stop being scared of the never-ending abyss of death?
Do you know something we don’t know? I mean, how do you know death is a never-ending abyss as opposed to an interminable crevasse or even an infinite void? When you can present us with fully-substantiated proof that what you fear is indeed the case, we’ll happily provide you with more timeless in-depth ill!™ advice to assist you further in combatting this matter successfully.

How to make my father less of a conservative poster-of-hate-on-facebook? (her father is a hopeless case so let’s focus on something we can perhaps fix) [sic]
How about suggesting some other outlet for his political rants? I mean, Facebook currently only has 1,654,321,000 users (and counting). If he really wants to achieve blanket coverage and get his message to the other 5,745,679,000 of the world’s population he’s going to have to branch out into other media.
Reverting to more traditional methods such as flyposting might just give him the additional exposure he requires to successfully divert his attention away from engaging in Facebook diatribes.  He could, for example, focus his placarding efforts on places where his hate-fuelled propaganda is most likely to fall on deaf ears, such as old people’s homes or pre-school facilities for the hard of hearing.

I always get apple stuck in my teeth
Stop putting apples in your mouth then. If you must insist on continuing to ingest them, how about inserting them into another of your bodily cavities so you can absorb their fruity goodness via osmosis instead?

I have a small penis, girth wise. What can I do?
Firstly, please accept our heart-felt condolences. Your problem is sadly far from unique. A quick straw poll of the female members of the ill!™ team reveals that every single one of them has experienced the devastating misfortune that it is to encounter disappointingly small male members at least once during this lifetime. In your situation, the first step to liberation from suffering is undoubtedly embracing your affliction with a vigorous amount of self-love. In addition, there are many ways your small girth could be used to your advantage. For instance, have you considered entering your penis in the Lightweight category of the next Sumo World Championship? We’d definitely recommend giving it a go since it’s probably one of the few arenas where your small girth will give you a competitive advantage.
Best of luck with your new career! Do keep us posted on your progress!

I’m in a career I love but am not getting paid enough – what do I do?!
Money isn’t everything, you know. Have you thought of asking your boss for other forms of non-monetary compensation which could potentially inject your workplace-experience with just enough additional love to outweigh the financial frustration you’re currently experiencing?
Compulsory hot desk speed networking sessions amongst consensual colleagues could help re-ignite just enough extra passion into your life to balance out the arctic reception you get from your bank manager every time you ask for another advance to tide you over until your next payday loan comes through.
If things do happen to get too heated at the office, there’s always the option of adjourning all meetings to a specially-designated chill-out zone next to the water cooler.

I’m scared of failing / sailing [first letter of last word open to several different interpretations]
Due to your illegible handwriting, we’ve failed to understand the exact nature of your issue. If it is indeed, as is probably more likely, that you are scared of ‘failing’ then how does it feel now that you’ve failed to write clearly enough for us to decipher your problem?
At best, you’re probably feeling mildly embarrassed, at worst, suicidally mortified and yet, presumably, you’re still alive and well. Nothing much has changed really, has it? So perhaps failing isn’t as bad as you fear, after all…
Or was the illegible handwriting trick a double-bluff on your part where you’ve felt the fear and decided to do it anyway?
If, however, your fear is of ‘sailing’ then you could start to conquer it by visualising what the worst possible outcome of a failed sailing-trip would look like for you. Does it, for instance, involve slow, painful death by drowning whilst being relentlessly tormented by swarms of jellyfish in the icy cold waters of the Baltic Sea, far away from family and friends, a rapidly-deflating life-vest your only solace? If so, then join the club. But perhaps not your local sailing club, just to be on the safe side.

I’m simply not sophisticated enough!
What’s your definition of ‘sophisticated’? If, like us, you are adhering to its meaning in the original sense, i.e. ‘mixed with a foreign substance, adulterated or altered from a natural state’, then you could try experimenting with ingesting varying amounts of artificial psychoactive drugs. Following a potentially precarious period of trial and error, at some stage you should have hit on just the right dose to ensure you can consistently maintain the level of sophistication you desire.

We deliberated long and hard as to how we could solve this issue and unfortunately couldn’t come to any conclusion in particular.

I never know what sort of sausage to serve with mustard mash bangers + mash [sic]
In your case, the answer is in the question. Why not leave yourself and your dinner guests with a lasting impression of your culinary skills by serving bangers* as the pièce de résistance of your meal? Simply insert a couple of bangers into the mound of mash on each guest’s plate, making sure they’re nestled securely to avoid unnecessary injury. Then light each one before serving to ensure your meal not only starts off but also goes out with a bang.
*like all decent fireworks, sadly now banned in the UK. They can, however, still be obtained easily in France. Why not combine your foreign banger-buying mission with a visit to Troyes to sample their renowned andouillette sausages? Get in touch with the Association Amicale des Amateurs d’Andouillette Authentique (AAAAA), otherwise known as ‘The Friendly Club of Lovers of Authentic Andouillette’, who will doubtless be able to give you some expert advice in this matter. While you’re at it, you could pop down to nearby Dijon to stock up on mustard, too.

I really want thick-rimmed glasses, but have 20/20 vision. Would you recommend destructive eye surgery?
Yes. We can even recommend someone unoverqualified to give you the level of service you deserve in this potentially indelicate matter. For a small additional fee, we’d be happy to put you in touch with the party in question and would be delighted to assist in any other way we can.
Just one other thing… merely as a precautionary measure, have you made a will yet?

My girlfriends achilles hurts and the doctors won’t help 🙁 [sic]

I’m wondering whether the real issue here is not necessarily the fact that your girlfriend’s Achilles hurts or even that the doctors won’t help (since they’ve clearly got a vested interest in perpetuating the physical malaise of all their patients otherwise they’d be out of a job) but rather that she won’t stop moaning about it to you.
Have you tried slipping a few soluble Tramadol into her daily nightcap? That ought to do the trick. Not only will her tendon cease to hurt, she’ll also be too out of it to keep bothering you with a constant update on the current state of her aches and pains or indeed anything else ever again, if you get the dose right.

My name is Gordon, which is a great name, but almost every employer I’ve had keep calling me Duncan.

Duncan, I empathise with your plight. The name on my birth certificate is Katarina Alexandra Kjellström Corbet. How about we swap names for a month during which time you try to get everyone to pronounce and spell your temporary alias correctly?
In the unlikely event that you’ve still got a problem with being called Gordon after that then you could change your name to Duncan by deed poll as a last resort to save face.
Speaking of which, you could always get facial realignment surgery to resemble Gordon Strachan, booting the nature of your problem into an entirely different ballgame.

What is the purpose of meaning?
Does meaning even have a purpose? Does purpose need to have a meaning? Which came first: the purpose or the meaning?

What shall I do with the rest of my life?

Rest-assured, you fully deserve a well-earned rest. Sleeping it away or, at the very least, taking an extended somnambulent break in a reclining position should put your problems permanently to rest until nature takes its course of its own accord.

*Terms and conditions apply.