ill!™ advice of the day!

Not sure if you’re ready for some ill!™ advice or not?
Here’s a taster of some solutions we made earlier to help you make up your mind:

ill!™ advice of the day #ill!™27111601
Sustain the daily strain of being insanely mundane.

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Crack down on that yawn at the crack of dawn to spawn a highly creative morn!

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Radically improve the takings in your coffee shop on a quiet Tuesday by providing a lapdancing lapdog service for all customers using laptops.

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If you’re not pansexual, check the gender of the person you’re sexting before asking them if they want to “eat a peach” with you to avoid unnecessary embarrassment.

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Ring up the biggest gambling den in Macau suggesting they create a job for you as a mermaid to perform underwater next to the life-size replica pirate ship in their 7 metre-deep indoor tank so you can afford to join your bestie there while she takes photos of all the psychedelic casino carpet designs.

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Offer your body to trawlermen in exchange for a lift to the Norwegian Arctic Circle where you’ll be able to live for free off vegan-friendly tundra plants. Persuade someone to kill a polar bear for you so you can make a real fur onesie to keep you warm while you wait for your girlfriend to re-locate from London.

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Transfer studying for your degree in Politics to the University of the Highlands and Islands where you can train as a tree surgeon on the side to ensure you never fall out of trees again in your dreams whilst Marco Rubio stands by watching.

ill!™ advice of the day #ill!™29051601
Go back home to the USA on July 2nd to kill your cat before actioning a suicide pact with the rest of your non-estranged family members so you can guarantee your father doesn’t have to sell the only home you’ve ever known for financial reasons because no-one will want to buy it if it’s haunted by you and your next-of-kin.
In the meantime, set up a fake bank account which the Republican-supporting members of your family who you’re not in contact with can donate to in the mistaken belief that they are bank-rolling the campaign of a fake Republican candidate.
Use the money they’ve donated to finance the purchase of your family home from your father before you kill yourself then rent it out to him so he can continue living there, your sense of having a home is safe and you feel closer to your estranged family because they’ve unwittingly helped you stay in your home.

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