Our quick-fix Pay-What-You’re-Worth L!ghten Up Your Life!™ sessions are proving extremely popular with locals and tourists alike. Here are just some of the problems we’ve encountered so far since our limited edition seasonal special offer began:
My mum is commuting for hours every weekend to look after my granddad in his care-home. It’s costing her a lot of time, money and energy and no matter how much she does it’s never good enough for his disapproving sisters. Can anything be done to improve the situation?
Absolutely! Killing off your double-amputee grandfather would solve everything. Next time you visit, give him a lighted christingle doused in brandy (for extra flammability and Christmas cheer) to celebrate the advent of advent. Make sure he catches fire by accidentally-on-purpose bumping into him and causing him to drop the bomb on himself. Leave the room while he burns to death so you’re not traumatised by the event.
His timely demise will liberate your mother to spend her weekends as she sees fit and allow her to sever contact with her aunts, once and for all. This would be an unforgettable gesture of seasonal goodwill to all concerned!
I’m a self-employed artist and want to continue working with freeloading academics who don’t seem to realise that I need to be paid for my services.
Set up your own department in the University of Edinburgh called “Intergenerational Facilitative Art Education” so you can apply for research grants yourself. We have it on good authority that just about anyone can walk into the building where the ******* and ******** Departments are housed and use the facilities there without being questioned. They have state-of-the-art meeting rooms and a subsidised coffee machine which does a mean freshly-ground Cappuccino for just 40p a pop.
Simply occupy whichever meeting room most takes your fancy and invite the academics of your choice to be freeloaders themselves in your squatted surroundings.
I don’t get on with my family because they have such different characters to me
Embrace the guilt and break off contact with your current family. Create a new one out of people with identical characters to you so you’ll never experience any disharmony again.
Classified information. For a negotiable fee, we will reveal all.
I only have strange friends. How do I get more normal friends?
If you no longer want to associate with people who smell of stale sweat and overflowing vacuum-cleaner bags, then you have to stop smelling of stale sweat and overflowing vacuum-cleaner bags yourself. Be the change you want to smell yourself.
If, as you claim, you want your new normal friends to smell of hot coffee on a Monday evening, we’d suggest showering in hot coffee yourself on a Monday evening before going to Artisan Roast on Broughton Street to socialise with like-smelling people.
You also complain of hot friends turning lukewarm or even cold quite quickly. If they’re no longer hot enough for you, just drop them and find some new, hotter playmates.
I have chronic back pain
Avoid contact with known stressors such as numbers. Avoid any mention of dates, such as 03.08.16, in particular. Still keep your job as a receptionist involved in data entry by insisting your boss employs someone else to sit at the computer for you whilst you lie on the floor for the duration of your shift.
Supplement your meagre income by selling your brain. You can always share a brain as well as a job with your newly-employed colleague. In addition, you may no longer have to work if you don’t have a brain. You may also no longer be alive which would no doubt permanently cure your chronic back pain too.
Do you have a problem which needs solving? Could you be our next #ill!™ client? Book your own personal session now to find out how we can l!ghten up your life!